Wasted

It took me some time.

There is a reason behind everything we do. There's a reason I came to this conclusion. And I don't want to attack anyone. I am simply stating what I've been through and how I got here. 

Each and everyone of us seek a path, seek to do something from simply being happy and having our own little space and place in this world, to those that want to influence the world in a way or another and make a mark in our history. We each strive for that something that makes us feel like we're living and that makes us feel like it's worth it. As irrational as we might be, we still find some sort of reason in what we do and want. So a few years back when I decided I wanted to write books, since I was writing on this blog, since I was writing my own song lyrics and since I liked writing and storytelling. From anime, manga, movies, TV shows, certain and very specific books, life itself and the narratives I used to entertain the either boring or tough life. I wanted to write books, I wanted to better my grammar, I wanted to understand the history of literature and what made a dent in our world culture throughout time. I wanted to learn how to understand the mechanics of writing, grammar, syntax, morphology. I also wanted to learn the philosophy of writing, of trends, of ages, of writers. You probably get the idea. So with that in mind, I attended a university in my home town of Cluj. Where I thought I would learn, I would get the chance to apply what I learn and where I thought I could find opportunities to publish my debut. And the first year was amazing, I fell in love with general linguistics and theory of literature. Well, as much as it pissed me off at the same time. I failed many exams in the first semester as I didn't know what to expect from the exams, as the college advertised itself as a different sort of college where you don't learn in a very standardized way. Which was also a promising thing for me.

Now the second year came around, where things started to really take shape. I started to see that the advertisement I've been sold on the previous year went out the window. Things began to become more and more rigid, more standardized, you couldn't have a discussion with the professors as I could have done in the first year. Where I argued with professors and we had genuine discussions on the topics we were thought and it was interesting. And we were actually learning something. But with this second year we were just supposed to regurgitate what the professors were teaching at the exams. No room for arguing, for discussions, that was it. This got worse in the third year. Yet after the first amazing year, I got excited at the idea of writing books, I started writing down ever single idea of a book I had, and I started developing them. But as I said when the second year came around, all these hopes started to wither. I also noticed that it still worked on the same old belief of kissass will get recognized, questions will get the you the tag of a hater or asshole and be marginalized. With that, and with every exam, my anxiety grew, my interest, my passion and my willingness to participate in classes/courses went to shit with time. But I was still determined to write my books. I knew with whom and I knew how to do it.

So the second year of college came to an end. And as soon as the final exam came to a close, I started writing Trapped: Autumn. I had a general outline of what I wanted it to be, just a few sentences about the general plot, and that was it. I opened a new word document and I started writing. In less than two weeks, I had my first draft. I had sent it to beta readers and I started editing it. And before the third year of college began I had my debut book published world wide. Without any help from any of the professors, without the support of the college, without any money, or any guidance from the faculty, I managed to take a first step in the world of authors and book publishing. And so after the first semester of the third year ended, I published my second book. That's how I got to the end of college. And how due to one professor that is simply horrible at her job, I had to go into an extension of my studies. (That's a whole nother story with the Japanese professor.)

And this is why I am writing this post, to ask you all one question. In my humble opinion college is a tool to use in order to get guidance, and help to get where you want to be. To achieve your dream. Now, if college fails to help you to achieve that. And you manage to do these things on your own... What's the point of it? The degree has nothing to do with what I am doing, what I've done, what I'll be doing from now on. It won't help me.

I had to think a lot and for a long time about many things when I had to make this decision. I didn't want this to be another thing I simply gave up on. And for it to be something that I would regret later in life. But in truth, everything I did, I did on my own. The help that I got was from some very close friends. If I'll ever have any success, whether that's now or after my death, the college degree would have had nothing to do with it. I am not suggesting that it was a complete waste of time, I met some interesting people during these three years, I had the chance to see how the current system works. I made friends and I learned a lot of things I shouldn't do. And that's all because I saw what they were doing over there. Now all this energy that would have wasted in the next year, will be directed on my work. I won't have nightmares and anxiety about upcoming exams and I won't have to study to take the exam of a wicked witch. But this also means twice the effort and twice the work that I have put in what I do. This was also one of the reasons Trapped: Summer wasn't published. I had to think about a lot of things regarding the future, my future and what I want to do. And especially what's worth doing. For this and many other reasons, I dropped out of college. Maybe college wasn't for me. It's not for everyone.

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