Pity

Pity

I'm not one for self-pity...

This year, 2017 was something else entirely. Where most years for me begin at a low point and slowly pick up until they crash in December, this year was the opposite of that. It began quite pleasing. It got even better in spring. But once summer rolled around, everything came crashing down. Depression lead me in a fall full of panic attacks, anxiety and pain, whether it was pain caused by mind or body due to the repercussions of what my mind did. This halted the production of my third book. And I'm still in a slump. Dealing with anxiety has run me dry, I can only do so much lately. I can come up with a fantastic idea, but never get to the execution due to anxiety. It bled me dry. My mind isn't cooperating properly, putting stop to anything productive. My body is in pain and that gives me even more anxiety. The future scares me, and anything serious considering the future I have to look away, or I'll get hit with anxiety and panic attacks. In the past months, I've come to deal with it all, I've learned what it does to me, how it acts and how to react to it. But now there's a bigger problem. Anxiety evolved, it grew into something I can't really control. Something that overwhelms me, and I don't recognize. And it takes me a long while to recognize anxiety every time, before I can calm down and move on. But even then, it's in the back of my mind. And that leaves me tired, mentally, and physically. 

I now have to make some choices, I hope I'd never have to. Giving up on things I want to do, giving up on some ambitions, lowering my own standards, just shedding a lot of responsibility I put on my own shoulders. I have to be more selfish, I have to pull out of my own ideology for now. At least until I can fix myself, so that I can bring myself to create again. To do something more than write this blog. And this is where I wanted to get to... I don't think people realize this, they don't recognize this or see this for what it is. And I'm not one to seek pity or cry out for no reason. But while having these episodes I got absolute horrible advice from everyone around me, well, most of them, since many didn't know what to say or do. And I don't blame them, we aren't thought about this. No one tells you jack shit about anything. That's a big problem as far as I can see. This year I ran into many problems that no one told me that they even exist. I've been thrown into place I wasn't ready for, situations I didn't know how to react to or what to do. When we aren't taught the basic things we need when we need, we're left anxious, afraid and feeling lonely. But, with all that said, I know that this is how life is. It's tough, it's rough, it sucks, no one told our parents anything, and the cycle continues. My questions is... Why? When you have children, you as a parent have the duty to teach him the basic stuff that school and college doesn't provide. To tell him about the reality of this world. I am one of the kids that grew up on broken promises, broken dreams, broken hopes, a broken home and a broken heart. Now my mind is broken and I don't know if I can fix it, I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix myself to feel better again. And that scares me, very very much. People used to tell me "You're too young to worry about this sort of stuff." Bullshit, I was right about worrying back then. Because I was right. No matter my efforts to improve my mind, my mentality, my ideology... No matter what I tried to do to pull myself up by my own shoelaces, I couldn't do it fast enough. So now, when reality got ahead of me, I hit the wall with the force of a sun. Now I'm in pieces, shattered everywhere. Unable to make progress, do what I love doing, make more, push more, progress. Now I have a broom in one hand, a dustpan in the other, trying to clean this huge mess. Piecing myself together, by trying to solve these shit problems, that have me in a mess. Trying to put my life back in order. Half a year ago, my life had a clear path, I knew what I was doing. Today, I have no fucking clue what I am doing, what I am doing it for and where it leads me. Most of the tasks are a burden. And the easy way out, would be a burden future me will have to pay for. And that's something I am not willing to do.

There are some people in my life that tried to put all my problems into a perspective, to show me that I am actually lucky. And while that might be true, that doesn't mean that the things that were just dropped in my lap unexpectedly aren't also a giant responsibility and a burden right now. Since I wasn't prepared for them. There is a point to all this story... Anxiety doesn't excuse you. You're brain is the biggest monster of them all. Because you can't control it. You can't do anything about it. No matter who you are, how wealthy you are, how poor you are or how smart or dumb you are. And anxiety and panic attacks can damage your body, not just your mind. I am still checking for pulse for no reason, I am still checking my breathing just to be sure that I breathe, when I clearly do. I can feel pains I have never felt, whether it's in my neck, my lungs, my chest, my arms, my legs, my head. I am way too self-aware. And no one teaches you about all these things. Or how much will it take before it all fades away. Or how much it takes you before you heal. There are those that have it way worse than I do. In these months of reading up on anxiety, on panic attacks and seeing other people's situations. I am struck by the fact that people are strong, so damn strong. When the thing that should guide you, tries to kill you faster by giving you made-up problems and screwing with your body. And that is the truth of what I've seen or experienced these past months. 

So with this, I can honestly say that I am sorry, but Trapped: Winter won't be coming this season. I wanted next year to publish three books, it can't be done in this state. I am not capable of doing something like that, while still suffering. Will Winter and Summer still happen? Yes, they will. Summer is almost finished and Winter is in progress. Until then, I'll keep this blog alive, I'll keep writing Bad Fiction on Tumblr, and when I'll be done putting the pieces together, making life more than what it is right now, I'll be back on writing those amazing books I have in store for you all. 

One last thing before I end this. For those suffering from anxiety, stay strong. You are doing your best for now and that's enough. For those that are feeling that they are about to fall into depression from anxiety, if you do, stay strong, this isn't the end nor does it have to be. If I can survive, you can survive too. Even if I could write a manuscript of negative things that I have to deal with and are a pain in my ass, there is something more to me or to you than just all that negativity. It's those negatives that teach us how to be better and what not to do. So take your time, that's what I'll do to. If there are people that treat their own bodies like shit, by their own choice, and they live to be 80, why wouldn't we? When we are trying to live normal lives. So let's not worry about our high heartbeat rate, or pain short pain in the shoulder, arm, chest, back or leg. They will be gone the next second. We fell asleep even though we thought that we would forget to breathe or that our hearts would burst out of our chest.