Radio Silence.

I was here, there... I just was.


Did I tell you the story? It's been a few weeks, this progression of destruction, rejuvenation, stones and dread. Everything I had was gone, everything that was, wasn't anymore. The expression 'get fucked' never seemed more appropriate when the mind is the enemy, your body is the machine and the you, is reduced to a shadow.

How?

Hmm... There's this expression "Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong." This is something I live by. Not because I am a pessimist, I like to think that I am just a bitter idealist. Well, ideal from my perspective. Not yours. Living with this in mind prepares you for many things, death of others, disappointment, failure. This also eliminates many fears. It's actually quite nice. Many times it feels like you're Sherlock or Batman. But there's a flaw in this, the moment you let your guard down, you are hit, hard. The moment you stop, the wall you hit will shatter you.

How should I phrase this next part?

Hmm...

Oh! Right... Here's the flaw...

Flaw? No.. Here are the flaws. I shouldn't be lying.

One.

No matter how many plans of contingency you have, something will break. And having plans doesn't matter. The moment you have plans, the moment everything breaks down. No matter how well prepared you are, how much you think that you can do this or that. Everything falls apart the minute you try to construct it. That's how the world works, it sucks. Another flaw is when you have a specific goal in mind. Like I do. I have a plan, something to motivate me, something to make me pull and push, drag, run and live for. And it's all on a simple piece of paper. But here's the thing, nothing is just simple. I wish it all was very simple. Even this, what I am writing now, it isn't simple. It's quite complex, not because writing is hard, but because it also means going around showing this off to people that might not give two shits, or might like it. I have to construct a narrative, something to pull people into my world, my vision, what I am. 

That sounds weird...

So having a plan means being badly prepared from this perspective. Because the moment something comes that needs more than you have, in terms of resources, it means disaster. You don't know how to respond or what to do. And if you do not keep working, learning, finding new things, everything in your path will be just a hurdle. You're stuck on your plan, your road towards your goal. That seems to be a problem. Or at least it became for me. I became overwhelmed by everything that was around me. I had to take a break from it all.

Writing...

Multitasking...

Thinking...

Horrible.

If you're not prepared for when your mind breaks down, when everything shatters, when you're no longer whatever you were supposed to be. When your body hurts, aches, your panicked, afraid, paranoid, when every little bit is exaggerated to a thousand. And you don't know what to do, it's scary. Even though it passes, it's scary. Your body is accustomed to this dread, being in constant pain, your muscles all turned to eleven, your mind to a hundred and nothing at the same time. There's nothing you can do about it.

And that's the solution. Because in those moments doing nothing, is doing more than enough. You see, the thing is...

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